How I chose to deal with people
How are you doing? I've been well, and today I'm here to share two little rules I try to follow. They've been good for my mental health (and for the people around me too). I needed to write about them: they matter a lot to me and they're in line with who I want to be. It's about how I chose to deal with people, and the rules are very simple:presumption of good intentanddefensive communication.
Presumption of good intent
The presumption of good intent is a principle that says that, when interpreting other people's actions or words, we should start from the assumption that they mean well, unless there's clear evidence otherwise. In other words, nobody is a jerk, rude or anything like that until proven otherwise. It's giving the other person the benefit of the doubt, simple as that.
A simple example: imagine you're organizing a get-together with a group of friends, and when you ask one of them whether they're coming, they reply with an "I don't know". Instead of thinking they're not interested or don't want to see you, you can consider that they might be dealing with something personal, or just having a busy day.
Sure, a bare "I don't know" isn't great, but before getting stressed or upset about it, how about sending a quick message first? Something like: "Why don't you know? Did something happen? Is everything okay?"
Again, nothing is what it seems until it actually is. With this approach you avoid a lot of stress and headaches, not only for you but for others too.
Defensive communication
It was hard to find a good name for what I'm about to explain, and I'll say it up front: it's simple in theory but hard in practice (at least it has been for me). The whole time I've been trying to apply it, I've had to correct myself MANY times. The reason is obvious: I wasn't used to being like this. It wasn't how I communicated.
Defensive communication is a way of communicating that tries to avoid conflict and protect emotions, which often means evasive or reactive answers. Instead of asserting or imposing ideas, it values active listening, asking questions and calmer, more respectful language.
A few examples of defensive communication:
Use soft language:communicate in a way that minimizes confrontation and encourages dialogue. Instead of stating "That's not a good approach", you can say "I see a few difficulties with this approach, maybe it's not a great idea, shall we talk it through?". Words like "maybe" and "possibly", or phrases like "it could be that" and "I believe", help create a space where people feel safe sharing their perspective, which lowers the chance of a defensive reaction.
Don't generalize:instead of saying "you always do this", try "I noticed this happened on a few occasions [...]". Generalizing sounds like an accusation, an attack, and it puts the other person on the defensive. Pointing at a specific situation instead helps clarify what the real problem is, builds empathy and invites self-reflection.
Ask instead of assert:avoid certainties and start from the assumption that you might be wrong, however sure you are of your position. It's safer to ask questions than to make statements. Instead of saying "You're wrong", try rephrasing: "I don't think it's quite like that, could you explain your point of view?". That shift is inviting, respectful and makes room for a conversation.
Final thoughts
There are several other things I'm trying to apply to improve how I relate to people; maybe I'll write about them some other time. But I believe these are the main ones. Think them over, see what makes sense for you and try putting it into practice. Remember it's a process, so it's okay to get it wrong.
Funnily enough, thepresumption of good intentis something you should practice mostly with the people closest to you: it makes no sense to assume the worst of someone who loves you. Meanwhile, the opposite holds fordefensive communication, which you should use mostly with people you're less close to. It's precisely when talking to strangers that we should choose our words most carefully, since we don't know the person yet or how they'll react.